Let me make this clear: being a positive person does not mean you are perfect. It does not mean that you are always smiling. It does not mean that you never get sad. Living a positive life probably has a different meaning for everyone but for me, it means letting myself find the good in the not-so-good and learning to smile through pain. We are only human after all and to live with an expectation of perfection each day is impossible and downright exhausting.
We all struggle. And while your list of struggles may seem comparatively minor to some of your friends, do not diminish them. They make up who you are and what you’ve been through, so embrace them but try not to dwell on them.
So here’s to being a little vulnerable, and letting everyone in to know that I’m not always positive. I’m not always happy. I don’t always smile. And that’s OK.
I struggle with what it means to be a good wife.
I look around at the women in my life and start comparing myself. Am I there for him enough? Do I take an interest in all of the things he does? Do I make enough home cooked meals? Do I do my fair share around the house? Do I still dress/look/act like I did when we first started dating? Do I support him emotionally and psychologically? Is he happy with what his life has become and where we are in our relationship? Is he going to get sick of my mood swings? While most of the marriages in my own family have ended in divorce, these fears, struggles and thoughts creep up on me every single day. While my wonderful husband assures me through all of these fears, for some reason, they’re still there.
I struggle with my image and weight.
Although I’ve come a long way (officially hit my 35lbs lost this week!), my days are filled with self-doubt. Do my pants feel tighter today? Should I even bother buying a 2-piece bathing suit? If I just stop eating, will I finally be skinny enough? I know that both men and women have these struggles but I can’t help but feel that it’s a bit more present and in-our-face for us ladies. I try not to be fooled by the perfect skinny lifestyle portrayed in the media…heck, I’m proud of being a curvy model helping to combat those “norms”. But is it enough? A self-assured attitude and portrayal of confidence doesn’t always do the trick. To this day, I can tell you one thing that I don’t like about each part of my body. Insane right? Just a bit…
I struggle with finding time to see and be in communication with every important person in my life.
I am well aware that I am extremely fortunate to have many loving family members and friends. I often read online quotes stating things like “nobody is ever too busy – if they care, they will take the time”. And I agree, but to an extent. Between work, home life and personal time, there are only 24 hours in a day and 7 days within a week. Balancing myself between actually spending time with my new husband, seeing our 3 families (his family and my divorced family), seeing our close friends and finding time to work out, do groceries, clean the house and SLEEP, it’s no wonder that time gets a little tight. People always laugh at me when I schedule a night to see them because it’s usually 3-4 weeks down the road. This is a very big struggle for me because of course I would love to see my extended friends and family more often…birthdays, weddings, and funerals shouldn’t be the only time to see each other. Unfortunately, it often is.
I struggle with living without a father.
I lost my father to a major heart attack when I was a young teenager. I struggle with this loss every single day of my life. I assess my life decisions based on whether or not I think he would be proud of them. I grip to the fading memories that seem more and more distant every day. I ache for non-existent home videos to hear his voice again. I cringe at the prospect of events with father-daughter dances. And though many people assure me that “he would be so proud of you” and that “he’s watching down on you from above”, it’s simply not enough. I am, however, very fortunate to have strong supportive men around me…my father-in law Franco Sr., my soon-to-be stepfather Vito, my ever loving and tender Zio Frank and of course, my strong and supportive grandfathers. I am grateful, yet pained.
I struggle with being a good enough daughter-in-law.
This is a new one for me. I am extremely happy with my relationship with my in-laws. I know many people who aren’t as lucky! Yet, I often find myself overly-stressed with whether or not I’m fulfilling my end of the bargain. Parents usually raise their children for over 20 years, guiding, nurturing and shaping them. And then they’re just expected to hand their kids over to another person, essentially a stranger, and hope for the best? I can understand their uncertainty. Is he happy? Is he being fed properly? Why is he gaining weight now? Why does he always look so tired? Why is he always complaining about money? Is he happy? And although these questions or thoughts aren’t ever actually vocally expressed, I imagine them swirling around, increasing my doubt and anxiety.
I struggle with forgetting old loves.
We become who we are today because of the people who helped shape our lives. Whether your experiences with these people were good or bad, they are sure to have left you with lasting memories. This doesn’t mean I am pining for old loves, don’t worry I am extremely blessed, grateful and satisfied with my marriage, however memories and thoughts do pop up every now and then. And I think that’s ok. Allow yourself to remember your past, just make sure not to dwell on it.
I struggle with the thought of raising my future children.
As I get older and considering my recent marriage, children have definitely been a hot topic. I am so excited to one day embark on this crazy wild life journey and yet I am also absolutely terrified. I know that kids don’t come with a user manual or a return policy. And this world, despite all of it’s beauty, is a super scary place. I see my best friend with her amazing daughter, how she just picked it up so naturally and how she seems to know everything already. What if it isn’t the same for me? Motherhood is the one job with no room for error and with this job, the stakes are way too high.
I struggle with selfishness.
When you marry someone, you’re devoting yourself entirely to another person. But what does that really mean? I often find myself questioning my acts, wondering if they’re too selfish or inappropriate. Can I have a girl’s only vacation – is that even an option now? Can I pick up an extra side job – taking time out of our already busy lives to make a few extra dollars? Can I go back to school – an expensive and time consuming endeavor that doesn’t necessarily hold the promise of an immediate significant return? Decisions I once would have made without a second thought are now weighing heavier than ever.
So here’s the real deal. I’m not always happy and positive. Whether it’s struggling with our identity or simply struggling to decide what to wear in the morning, life isn’t always easy. And of course, social media isn’t helping. People CHOOSE what to post. Their seemingly perfect and Insta-filtered adventurous life? Not always so perfect on the inside.
It’s OK to have a bad day. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to reach out for help. Actually, it’s encouraged.
Being quiet doesn’t mean something is wrong. Sometimes, you just need to go to bed and start fresh the next day.
Breathe it all in. Take what you must from it. Then let it all out and close the chapter.
Image credit: https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/312648399120006408/
Brigitte says
Thank you for your post. Know that you are not alone. That you want to be better shows the enormity of your heart.
Dee says
Thank you for your kind comment Brigitte!
Jewels says
You are lovely, D! Your concerns hold true for many women around the world as we aspire to stay ‘positive’ even when we struggle with life’s unknowns.
Breathe… you have a lot of insight to carry you through. : )
P.S. Thank you for your candid post & honesty. xox
Dee says
A woman’s job isn’t easy, but someone has to do it, right? 😉
xo