I wasn’t originally going to post about this but through all of the smiles and positive moments in life, I think it’s also important to acknowledge the sad ones. Fueled by Sonia Zarbatany’s recent IG stories about mourning the anniversary of her mother’s passing, I decided to share my own story of surviving loss. Whether a parent, grand-parent, family member or friend, loss is real and raw and painful. And it’s ok to talk about it.
Tuesday, December 11, 2018 will mark the 15th year since my father left us. 15 years since I’ve heard him call my name, since feeling his hugs and seeing him smile. They say that time heals but honestly, I’m not so sure. Time only forces you to adapt to a new normal and to a new way of living. As a strong believer of ‘everything happens for a reason’, well, I still haven’t cracked this one yet. At 28 years old, this girl still needs her daddy sometimes. And I don’t think that will ever change.
So how do you survive? How do you push through each day as if you haven’t had a part of you literally cut off? I wish I had the answer. I guess at the end of the day your support group of friends and family around you plays a huge part. Having people to talk to, lean on and share stories with is helpful. Memories will never replace reality but when the sound of his voice is already slipping away, it’s the only thing we can cling on to.
I’m blessed to have had 13 years with him and I cherish the memories I was lucky enough to have. Riding on his 4-wheeler ATV, trips down to Boston every summer to visit my cousins, heading to Disney World for the second time to tell-off Goofy because he wasn’t there the first time I went, pool parties and volleyball competitions, teaching me how to roller-blade by making me hang on to my dog as he ran through an empty cement parking lot, planting flowers or putting down grass on his job-sights, helping him create client invoices and creating business advertisements using Word clip-art, being stuck in traffic on the Mercier bridge and munching on goodies from NDG bakery and learning how to drive his snow-removal loader machine by cleaning snow at 2 am in the Paperman parking lot. Memories are SO precious and I hope to never forget them.
So did I survive? Yes, somehow.
I think one of the best things I did though was keep myself ridiculously busy. I threw myself into my school work and got very involved in my high school community. Anything to distract myself from my new reality. This progressed onto multiple part-time jobs while in college and university, always eager to try something new and meet new people. Ask my friends around me today and they’ll say that this behaviour hasn’t changed. This method of dealing with things definitely had its pros and cons but I truly think it did more good than anything. But one important thing is that I also asked for help. I sought out my guidance counselors and spoke to my mom about wanting therapy when I started developing OCD-like behaviours that caught me off guard. I reflected on who I was as a person and asked for the help when I couldn’t do it on my own. It’s scary and it’s sometimes lonely but it’s so much more manageable when you feel like you have someone unbiased to turn to. While supporting family members are amazing, sometimes you need someone’s shoulder to cry on who isn’t crying back.
Ultimately, there is no magic formula to discovering this new ‘you’ with a piece missing. But taking the time to acknowledge your pain and reflecting on shared memories with others does help. Live your life in a way that will make the person you lost proud of the person you’ve become or are becoming. Believe that they will always be close to you, whether physically or spiritually. Ask for help coping if you need it. Embrace new experiences and opportunities. And above all else, always keep the faith.